I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
