When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
