i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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