It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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