you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
