So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
