How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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