there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
