Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
