the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
