i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
