She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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