ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
