Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You left your phone here
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