Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I skipped work to stalk him.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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