Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
