i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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