So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
