Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
