this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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