if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
