May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
