the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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