I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
