Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sext me about skeletons
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
