Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
