just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
