This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
