just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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