I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
