i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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