i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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