had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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