I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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