I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
handjob tips. give me some.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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