So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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