Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
