I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
