Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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