Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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