i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
