3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
