You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
