sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
