hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
