Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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