My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
