Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
