im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
