I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
