that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
