They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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