It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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