I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
