is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
