Screwed.edu
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
