You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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