this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
